The News Up North

The latest happenings in a fictional small town in the upper Midwest. Delivered exclusively by email, every Friday morning at 7 AM CST.   

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• Humorous and relatable 
• Short and sweet
• From award-winning songwriter and Minnesota native, Aaron Espe

One of the highlights of my week. 

- Ethan K. 

Laughed out loud.

 - Greta S. 

So Midwest! 

- Linnea W.

(Sample) 

The News Up North

ED GULBRONSON WAS LAST WEEK’S substitute teacher for 7th-grade English while Mrs. Defraties was visiting her twin sister in Edina. According to a source familiar with the situation, Mr. Gulbronson never read The Great Gatsby and relied heavily on Heads Up 7 Up to keep students occupied.

NEXT TUESDAY, THE PEEWEE HOCKEY team will begin selling boxes of chocolates with green fancy wrappers to raise money for this year’s season. All proceeds will go toward new jerseys, hockey socks, and packs of cigarettes for Coach Gary Gunderson. When a player knocks, please invite them into your home for supper, purchase no fewer than four boxes, and send them to the next house. Don’t forget to get an autograph, as 36 percent of all players make it to the NHL.

THE EVANGELICAL GRACE HOPE Peace church is now accepting applications for ushers. They are seeking assertive, quick decision-makers who can show people to their seats in a timely fashion. (Awkward four-way-stop drivers need not apply.) For communion Sundays, you must be able to pray in public and pass a gold-colored serving dish containing 100 mini cups of grape juice without spilling.

ON TUESDAY, PETE Markstrom finished cleaning the carburetor on his nephew's Honda 125 motorcycle. It started right up after having sat for several years. James, his 13-year-old son, who had been helping his father, was asked if he'd like to ride the motorcycle. James said yes without confessing he did not know how. After crashing on the sidewalk, James quickly propped up the still-in-gear motorcycle, which instantly became ghost-ridden. James watched his father run after the machine that finally crashed into Mrs. Halverson's flower bed three blocks away. No one was injured. James, however, is scarred for life.

SHELDON ECKLUND WAS PULLED OVER by the state patrol just outside the city limits this past Friday. According to onlookers, Sheldon was being ticketed for sleeping while driving and was heard arguing that he was “simply multitasking.” 

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Keep it between the ditches, and I'll see you next week! 

Aaron Espe

The News Up North