Lodging, Meals, and Bathing
You will rarely stay in hotels after your gigs. Even a Motel 6 will be over your budget.
Instead, you’ll crash on a friend’s couch. Sometimes a fan will offer a spare bedroom, which you will accept after doing a quick background check and Google search.
Before going there, however, you will visit the McDonald’s drive-thru and order the #1 (Big Mac, fries, and Coke) Supersized. You’ll add a 10-piece chicken nuggets on the side with barbecue sauce. This might sound excessive, but nerves will have kept you from eating all day.
Before you fall asleep in an unfamiliar bed, you will notice the smell of its sheets and whether you prefer the lavender-scented detergent you’re accustomed to or this new scent that seems to lean more fruity than flowery.
Then you will replay the concert in your mind 74 times all the way through. It will highlight mistakes you made, things you wish you had said in between songs, and especially the things you did say (they were dumb). This will be followed by an over-analysis of conversations with fans whom you thanked for coming while also apologizing to them.
When you do finally go to sleep, it goes without saying you will not sleep well. If you do, it’s likely a sign of personal growth, self-care, and acceptance. These are terrible traits for a budding singer-songwriter. If you have them, you’re likely in the wrong industry.
Anyway, the next morning around 10 AM, you will find yourself groggy and perplexed, standing naked in front of the shower fixture.
Examining it closely, you will think about societal agreements we’ve made—like smiling for pictures, keeping the grass cut, and not killing people. You will also think about bathrooms and that we’ve agreed a “full bathroom” has a toilet, sink, bathtub, and/or shower. The hot water comes out of the left knob and the cold out of the right.
You’re thankful for these agreements, but you’re quite frustrated by our failure as a society to agree upon how a shower turns on. It’s as though every single one is an Enneagram 4—the Artist. Each has to be so unique. You’ll never understand them because they don’t want to be understood. But they want you to at least try.
And so you will.
But you will fail, resulting in cold water spitting all over your already freezing body and your inability to refrain from cursing all of creation.
To recap lodging, meals, and bathing:
- Have generous friends and fans with couches and beds.
- Develop a stomach for fast food. If you want to eat healthy, bring a bottle of vitamins.
- Always remember to ask if there’s a trick to the shower.